Can The Pastor's Wife Really Be Defined?

There is a long-standing subject that is tip-toed around by many pastors’ wives. Are you glad you are one? Did you make your husband promise he’d never go into pastoral ministry, and yet here you are? Have you been called? What is a pastor’s wife supposed to do anyway?

The answers to these questions are just as varied as we are as women. As God, in His infinite wisdom, made us each unique in our personalities and giftedness, so are our marriages and our church settings. So varied are our circumstances that we often fall short in trying to objectively compare what life is like for the 'typical' pastor’s wife. Yet, in that non-defined characterization of what it means to be a pastor’s wife we can trust that God will guide each of us individually or we can get caught up in someone else’s perceived reality for us.

When my husband and I got engaged I was clueless that there was an unofficial list, from generations past, of what traits were found in a good pastor’s wife. I soon found out that I didn’t fit the mold. I didn’t wear the right clothes, know how to teach and hadn’t even been successful in faithful church attendance the year prior to our marriage. I was planning on getting a job as a secretary and I had taken piano lessons as a kid, but I had never considered that I’d be doing either of those things within the context of the church.

When I later learned that many pastors’ wives did use their skills to teach Sunday School, accompany the choir and print the bulletins I was a bit shaken. For me, the bulletins weren’t a problem really. I was sure I could figure out how to do that. Follow the pattern used before, type, print, fold, stuff, done. Success! But, I only played the piano for my pleasure. The church would have to be pretty hard up for me to do good enough to be useful in that way. As for teaching, my mom was the school teacher in our family. I had no clue if I could teach, but I was pretty sure that gift wasn’t in my wheelhouse of abilities.

So, what did I have to offer our first church? I loved their pastor. I wanted to help out where I could.  And, that’s about where I stood. Pretty basic. Young wife. Moved across the country from friends and family. Found a part-time secretarial job at the local college. Full of dreams and hopes for the future!

What I’ve found fascinating over the years is that some ladies who carry the title pastor’s wife are genuinely wired by God to fit completely into the classic definition. I absolutely love a tribute recently given to a very special lady who grew up with the dream of being a pastor’s wife. “She loved being a wife, mother, grandmother, church secretary, organist, pianist, worship director, and Sunday school teacher. She was an active member of … church.” I didn’t know this very special lady, but her smile said it all. She had a reputation of joy and had found great peace in actually being given the desire of her heart when she married a pastor. Someday in heaven, I look forward to meeting her and hearing the many stories of how she saw God’s hand at work in her personal life and in their ministry life.

Now, I have no doubt that my memorial tribute will not include many of the things that were said about this Godly lady. However, I think it is wise from time to time to think about what is bringing us joy in serving the Lord. Perhaps your sense of purpose and happiness is at home in this season of life. Maybe your sense of fulfillment and joy is seen where you work and influence others. Or, maybe you’re in a season where God has given you a great opportunity to use your unique skill set in the local church – even surprising you with previously hidden gifts and talents that you never even knew you had within you.

God has a purpose and a plan for each of us. Your life, marriage and ministry will look very different from mine. Instead of being tempted to compare ourselves to another pastor's wife or a man-made definition of what we should do, our focus needs to remain on the One who created us in His image and for His purposes. It’s our choice to take the leap of faith. Are we willing to be used by Him? After all, God doesn’t need us to share His message of redemption with the world, but He definitely does want us to be a part of it.

We only have one life to live and that life is fading just a little bit each day. David shares this concept in Psalm 39:4-5 when he said, “Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath even those who seem secure.” Humbling and motivating. We are everything in God’s eyes, yet our life is but a fading shadow.

Are we making the most of the life that God has entrusted us with?

Lord, Help is to find our purpose in Your presence. May we find our courage through our faith in You as our loving Creator and Heavenly Father. You breathed life into our bodies and have made each of us in unique and special ways – designed for what You have called us to do. Release the bonds that have tied us down and imprisoned our confidence so that we can run to You with eager hearts of anticipation. May we learn to try new things, rejoice in the strengths of others and embrace the opportunities You put before us. Thank You for defining us each uniquely and within Your love and grace. Teach us to love You more deeply, to love our husbands and children unconditionally - and to have the courage to embrace the church You have called us to. Thank you Lord, for caring enough about each of us that we can be a part of Your master plan to share Your amazing redemption story to our lost and dying world. Amen.

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